Into The Matrix

So, if you're trying to get pregnant and it ain't happenin' by accident, you are probably about to enter the Fertility Matrix--where everything that people take for granted is a lie (or at least a startling distortion of reality) and you have to choose the red pill of Things Other People Don't Have To Know About.  Like your cervix.  Do you have a cervix?  I do.  But unless somebody was bumping into it in the dark  (OW, motherfucker!) it didn't really register as Thing I Needed To Know About.  But all that changed when the Fire Nation attacked I decided I wanted to get pregnant...

When the three of us had the Big Talk,--(come for the cervix chat, stay for the capitalization!)--one of the first things I did was try to understand how my cycle works, especially re: fertility.  Then I immediately got overwhelmed and laid down on the couch with the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility covering my whole face.  (No lie, I really just typed "Futility" instead of "Fertility."  I could probably benefit from taking charge of my futility, but that's another blog...)  Then, like any red-blooded American, I want to the Android app store.  Unsurprisingly, there is, in fact, an app for that.  The best one, in my opinion, is called OvuView.  The name seemed impertinent right from the jump; I'm not sure that I want my Ovu Viewed.  But since I was the one doing the viewing, and I really kinda very wanted this baby thing to work, I sat down and gave it all kinds of information about my last period and my intention to conceive.  

OvuView started asking some very forward questions!  Guess what?  If you're trying to conceive, you get to learn all about Cervical Mucus (Dry<-->Egg White), Cervical Position (Low<-->High, Open<-->Closed), your Luteal Cycle (this is a big deal), and Ovulation (is this going to be on the test?)  Explaining this to my close friends, cervix-having folk, all of them, led to a hilarious back and forth.  

Me:  So first thing in the morning I get to take my temperature and feel my cervix.  
Friend: But that's IMPOSSIBLE!  No one can reach their own cervix!
Me: Yes.  Yes, you can reach your cervix.  It's just right in there.
Friend: Oh!  I thought you needed to be a doctor!
Me: Um....no.

I'm sure I'll deposit more information here in the future--probably more than anyone needs, just because this has become like a really weird hobby for me.  Not weird like SCA tourneys, but still, not something you bring up in everyday conversation.  But what I'd really like to share is a note I wrote to the developers of OvuView.  I haven't heard back, but I hope I do someday.  See, making babies in a queer family--queer poly family, no less--is often an isolating experience.  When people write about making babies, not only is it usually hella heteronormative, but it assumes that "lovemaking" and "acts of intercourse" lead directly to babies.  Well, guess what?  If you've got queer bodies, or you're flying solo, or you and your partner(s) have fertility challenges, that's really marginalizing talk.  See, I can engage in some really creative acts of intercourse and some really intimate intimacies and some lovely lovemaking, but it's not going to get me pregnant.  You know what gets people pregnant?  Sperm, eggs, and a handy uterus.  Bake until done.  That's the universal experience of making new humans: sperm, eggs, uterus.  Might happen outside the body in a lab.  Might happen via a syringe full of friendly splooj.  Might happen with one partner, or two, or none.  Might happen in a female-identified body, or a male-identified body, or a body that defies identification but is capable of sustaining gestation.  But we all start out the same way.  And there's no reason my experience of making family should be erased, nor anyone else's, when the basics are universal.  So I wrote this letter:

I love OvuView.  At I was really intimidated by the overwhelming amount of data that I felt like I needed to collect and chart when trying to become pregnant, but OvuView has streamlined the process in the most helpful and attractive ways!

Something I ask you to consider: 

I believe the developers of OvuView must understand the importance and frustration of repeated attempts to conceive.  Emotions are intense, and disappointments frequent.  And I am certain you understand that the target market for your product contains many overlapping groups of people who do not find conception an effortless endeavor.  Among them: heterosexual couples with fertility challenges, single-mothers-by-choice, same-sex couples, and trans people who are able to carry children.  

I am a female bodied person trying to get pregnant with my partners using donor sperm.  My sister is also a female bodied person, but her husband has a low sperm count, so they are also considering semen delivery using a syringe, optimizing their timing with the use of your app.  While our situations are unusual for the general population, they are common among people who use your app.  In fact, people who rely on your app--and who are willing to pay full price for such a useful tool--are largely those for whom the process is more complicated--or just looks different--than "when a man and a woman love each other verrrry much..."  ;)

Please let the diversity of your users rest in your thoughts for a few moments.  We are a significant group of people, and our use of conception-related apps is connected to (1) hope, (2) frequent disappointment, and (3) marginalization and isolation among the sea of folks who just (OOPS!) get pregnant.  We're happy for them, but that's not how our families form.  

OvuView can't help much with (1) and (2), but it can do something about (3) when it comes to two aspects of your app: 

Intercourse - this is a pretty clinical term, but it's also wildly inaccurate when you're talking about families who need to use assisted or artificial insemination, but still want to use OvuView to track symptoms and plan conception tries.  (Again, families like this make up a significant percentage of your consumer base).  Intercourse/insemination, or just insemination, is no more clinical a term, but is inclusive of ALL people who use your app to conceive: gay/queer people, single parents, trans parents, etc.  (Interestingly, I don't feel discomfort at your "intercourse" icon, because its inclusion of the male and female symbols makes it look like the icon for "trans."  Accurate and perhaps unintentionally inclusive?  ;))

Sex Drive - I know this one has been brought up before, but it would be a sign of respect to all families who use OvuView to simplify representation down to a heart--already a part of the icon.  I'm not asking OvuView to complicate its icons--just to use something simple and universally recognized that is not exclusive of gay, lesbian, trans, and poly families.  Making families and having children as queer people, you come up again exclusion and marginalization a lot.  I understand OvuView not wanting to overly complicate or politicize this excellent app, but it would be such an easy fix, and I cannot explain how bad it feels every time your experience is treated like it's not part of the larger human experience, or how good it feels when you encounter a neutral or inclusive word.  

Trying to get pregnant is an emotional process for everyone involved.  It's not irrational to ask to be included--or rather, just not excluded--in the language and tools one uses to get pregnant.  It just makes a difficult thing slightly better.  And that's what OvuView is good at.  Making something difficult easier and better.Many thanks for your consideration.  A written response would be so appreciated.  I like promoting OvuView.  I would feel even better if I could point to a letter and say, "This company and these developers care about ALL the people who use their product," as I truly believe you do.

Sincerely,A-Queer-Mom-To-Be